First one

Hello world!

And so it happened again… for one reason or another it seems impossible for me to choose a partner in life and love that is good for me.

“I am not ready for someone new” he told me from the start and I believed him… somehow on the way he gave me the idea that he was ready. Plans to move in together were made, way too early. He talked about the future and wanted to go on a vacation with me next summer. And I was a fool to believe it.

Why do I do this to myself? The question that has been linguering in my mind for the last couple of weeks. Why do I fail to look after myself and choose a partner wisely.

I know it isn’t all my fault and I know that this just wasn’t the guy for me, but while I used to be just alone last summer, eight months later I managed to change that into being alone and sad…

Why am I in such a hurry to find the love of my life anyhow… it’s not like I don’t have time, but for some reason I feel like it has to be as soon as possible, for some reason I force myself into thinking it has to be now. And for some reason I change from being absolutely myself and happy, the first (let’s say) three months of the relationship into an insecure woman who doubts everything and most of all: who doubts love.

I don’t blame him for not loving her – that part of myself -, I did all that change by myself.

After having a serious talk about a month ago, everything seemed better for just a little while, okay he didn’t send me as many text messages as he used to, but I noticed how he started doing things for me again. Until… he dissapeared.

And so the relationship I thought might have been thé relationship… vanished in thin air. As if it was never there, almost magical. A part of me thinks this is a blessing (it’s like he was a teacher and taught me so much about life, love and myself and then he was gone, like in fairy tales, the lessons were learned and I had or have to do the final exam by myself), the other part of me is devastated.

And now…

I am turning my life around actually… I started right after the serious talk and I’m still working on it. I am doing sports I never thought of doing, opening myself up to people I don’t really know in ways I never thought I could (I am shy in groups), helping others out and doing some inner work.

I wanted to start this blog in order to

1. maybe get a bit of support by people

2. make sure I don’t forget what I am trying to accomplish

3. therapy

4. if it could be possible: inspire others to use their heartbreak to the good

I am completely letting go, not knowing if this is the right way… like running forward with a blindfold on. Who knows what I’ll bump into. Trying to have faith in myself, in life and love again. But mostly building self-esteem so next time I won’t be worrying so much when I have someone.

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