Wrong love

“Girls are like apples… the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree…”

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Just found this quote and loving it :) But what about the guys that climb the tree, but just aren’t what you were looking for? Are we being too picky?

I was thinking about this again yesterday and starting creating an answer to this problem. This morning when I got out of bed I finally got the “Eureka!” feeling, I found an answer to the question “why” (or at least in my life) “why do men I don’t like, start liking me quickly and easily and men I do like run away?”

At first I thought about the men that were almost “instantly in love” with me. There was this one guy last year I met on a dating site, I didn’t really feel attracted to him, but we got along.  I still had to get money before the date, but he said that he didn’t mind paying and I could pay him back next time. Thinking it would be okay to meet again, just as friends… I said yes to this. After meeting me for that first time, he starting telling me he was falling for me. Which felt so uncomfortable for me… I had to let him down quickly, there never was a second meeting. And he kept feeling attracted to me, maybe even more than before because I was out of reach.

So yesterday I thought about that situation: maybe a guy falls more easily if he pays for the date, so he is invested more than you are? But this is a chicken or the egg theory, since maybe he only wanted to pay because he felt some kind of instant attraction. So this couldn’t be the answer to the question.

Then this morning it suddenly struck me: it’s the fact that you didn’t want anything from him… you probably looked very confident, 100% yourself and that must be it. And on the other hand you chase the guys you want away because you suddenly make him more important than yourself and that makes you lose a part of yourself.

Think about it this way:

– you + a guy who likes you more than you like him = a relationship where you will keep on putting yourself first, obviously you care about him or you wouldn’t be in the relationship, but at the same time you are not afraid to lose him because you know there might be someone better out there for you so you keep putting yourself first and since he likes/loves you he will go with it loving you for who you are

– a guy + you who likes him more than he likes you = a relationship where you will try to chase him, you will take things personally, you won’t feel as loved as you should and eventually he will lose his respect for you since you lost your self-respect by putting his needs before yours… you lose your personality and he fell in love with that personality so you’ll lose him

Neither is ideal. My last relationship started out with him liking me more and ended with me liking him more. Everything changed in november… I don’t know why, but suddenly I started liking him more and he started caring less and less, missing his freedom (even though I didn’t keep him on a leash. I blame us for going too fast too quickly… we ruined the magic.

Solution: don’t rush yourself into any relationship where you don’t like the guy as much as he likes you or visa versa… and if you already are, or you just want to play safe: put yourself first… and keep yourself there, you’ll be more attractive and have a bigger shot at keeping the guy interested + live a happier life

I know you probably knew this already, so did I, but it doesn’t hurt to try to write things in your own words sometimes…

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13 responses to “Wrong love

  1. You know the funny thing, I am going through the same thing at the very moment! I am dating a great guy I met online as well and he clearly likes me more than I like him. Its so weird, I try to get myself to match his enthusiasm but, I just can’t bring myself to do so.

  2. Wow! What a brilliant post! I’m loving the quote too. I think I might be one of those guys who are scared of heights but will still give it a go. In my experience I’ve found that the apple at the top of the tree might not be as sweet as you thought it was going to be. But there are more apples right? :)
    I like your little equations about how the relationship will pan out depending on who likes who more. Like you, I’ve had experiences where the balance shifted between us. I think it’s impossible for both people to like each the same and that it’s like a kind of pendulum…know what I mean. I’m a ‘giver’ by nature and it makes me happy knowing that I can contribute to making my partner happy. That is what I get my buzz from. I think I’ve lost myself a few times trying to please so much that I’ve neglected myself and my needs. I’m working on me at the moment. Trying to rediscover what makes me tick. It’s hard for me to be more selfish think more about myself but I’m working on it.
    Keep posting, I’m loving them, really makes me think.

    • Thank you so much :)

      Maybe you didn’t reach high enough, or caught an apple that was meant for someone else.

      Give, but don’t exaggerate! Give to yourself first and let your happiness spill into the relationship (one of my favourite quotes) if you give too much you will lose yourself. Don’t regret anything that made you smile and learn from every bad relationship.

      She will find you! It may take time but love will come to us when we don’t expect it, at the exact time we will be ready to receive it. Not a day sooner. So live your life and find happiness every day! Single or in a relationship.

  3. Or maybe I caught an apple that was falling! I don’t think I want to look for love or even if I believe in love anymore. Like you said, it will come to us when we don’t expect it, so i’m not gonna go looking. I’ve just read your first post and I have to say I admire and respect your courage and determination to turn your life around, and the fact that you are actually DOING things to heal yourself is truly amazing. You have a good heart. I hope love will find you and that your prospective partner will be a good climber.

    • I am extremely flattered that anyone would say that about me… It’s still easier said than done though… I can pretend all I want the truth is: it does hurt me at least once a day and I do still cry. There is no quick fix for a broken heart, there is no eraser… all you have is your mind.

      Anyhow: if I can inspire anyone out there in this world than I know it hasn’t been for nothing :)

      • Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives…one of my favourite quotes. Nothing wrong with crying and hurting. You can’t heal until you have grieved. I will get better with time…trust me, I speak from experience. It’s a tough journey but you’ll get there. Continue to focus on you and you’ll be ok. It’s ok if you have the odd bad day, you are human after all. Time is the perfect healer. Don’t give up hope. Keep your head up and go slowly.

  4. Pingback: Live for the moment | Damiology·

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