Selfish love

Tell me, what’s the use
Of a twenty-four inch waist
If you don’t touch me?
Tell me, what’s the use again
Of being on TV every day
If you don’t watch me?
– Shakira

And

To give me all your love is all I ever asked
‘Cause what you don’t understand
Is I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on the blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I’d do anything for ya
– Bruno Mars

Amongst many more…

belong to my lists of great songs. But there is also something very wrong with these lyrics… because why would you change yourself, or do something in your life or even worse: give your life, for someone who doesn’t seem to be willing to do the same. For someone who simply doesn’t care.

The message that a lot of these lyrics present is one of desperation. They make it seem “normal” for a person to want to give their very best, their everything to someone who is unworthy… making that person who gave his/her heart feel unworthy instead. To me that isn’t normal, that isn’t how things are supposed to be. You should feel great that you were able to give these things, not expecting anything in return.

30-52_Pomegranate-blog

When I read Paulo Coelho’s words concerning the Alchemist who is able to turn lead into gold… I felt it was never really about the gold. The story is about the ability of someone to turn something rather regular into something worthy. And that is real love to me… the ability of changing a regular “relationship” and feelings into something more. Our ability to give something to someone without needing anything back from the other person. And that itself is absolutely amazing. We don’t need anything back for it, because the act itself is unconditionally magnificent and satisfying.

Love is fragile, unconditional and cannot be forced.

This blog post is called selfish love, because I believe love should be unconditionally… meaning: if you do something for anyone because you want something back (f.e. in the lyrics they are looking for some kind of attention)… then that isn’t real love, but a selfish component of it. On the other hand… you should be more selfish and do all of these things just for yourself.

My message today is: you should want the 24 inch waist for yourself, you should want to be on tv (or not) for yourself… and unless you are a bodyguard or part of some secret investigation team you should never ever catch a grenade for anyone. If you are in love you may give, but don’t expect anything back for it: you turned lead into gold and that is magnificent on it’s own. Maybe something will come out of it, maybe not… but that is not the point.

What do you think?

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9 responses to “Selfish love

  1. Great post! I read the Alchemist about 10 yrs ago. Bloody brilliant book! If I am being a selfish lover I guess I would catch a grenade for my partner. I would give my heart because I think they’re worth it and I do it because I feel good doing it. Is it desperation? If it is, then that’s probably where I’ve been going wrong.

    • It depends if you are doing this because you enjoy doing this, also for yourself, or if you’re doing it because you want something out of it from the other person… Does this make sense?

      Btw: I do that too and feel like that’s where I’ve been going wrong.

      • Yes I understand what you’re trying to say. I give without expecting to receive. It’s not until after months or years of giving that you realise that you’re not receiving, that you’re walking alone and that’s when things start to turn for the worse.

      • I think you know now what to do next time: be aware of this pattern and you can change it :)

        Realising something is the first step to improvement :) (I think I need to change the same thing about myself… At first things are fine, then I end up wanting more so I give more… In the beginning I’ll get more, but after a while it stagnates or stops… Isn’t this a difficult time to find love?

  2. Is it wrong to expect from our significant other? Is it wrong to want to feel loved and wanted? I don’t think so. My marriage failed because I felt that I wasn’t receiving these. In the end I stopped giving because like you said “it stagnates or stops”. What’s the point of giving when you don’t receive? In the end wanting overtook the need to give. Not ‘receiving’ brewed contempt, distance and depression. I therefore retreated to the very back of my ‘cave’. I believe love is a choice fueled by the ‘gift’ of someone’s care, affection, time. It is indeed a difficult time to find love. :)

    • In my opinion: it is not wrong to give as long as you are not cutting yourself short. You can keep on giving to one person in the hope that he or she will some day find it in their heart to give something to you too… or you can give without expecting in return. Unconditionally: you give because you want to give, not because you want to receive more. But don’t get me wrong: nothing is “wrong”, I truely believe in that all is fair in love and war.

      Giving isn’t wrong if you feel good when you’re doing it. But you cannot fool yourself believing that you can change the persons feelings about you this way. It already has to be there in order to florish.

      And in any relationship: you should feel loved and wanted… if you don’t feel loved and wanted you need to speak up, try to make it work and if nothing changes I think you should leave. Even though: I didn’t have the courage to, I know it’s what I should have done: for me.

      If you keep on giving and giving and giving, without receiving: you will feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself I think. So that is why that isn’t the right thing to do. We should notice it quicker when someone isn’t able to give us what we need, so we can move on with our lives, finding the one who can give us those things.

      I don’t believe love is a choice, but I love what you wrote after that: “fueled by the gift of someone’s care, affection, time”

  3. Pingback: What is love? | Damiology·

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